Mike #1, 41

Dear Tinder Diary:  I met a pretty cool guy.  Those blue eyes.  He's a grown ass man!  Works in finance, can afford to travel, eat well, act responsible but knows to have fun...  Pippa approves.  He's divorced and has a child though.  I never thought I would be into guys with previous lives like this.  But you know, maybe it's better because he's learned something.  He's had a proper adult life at least once already.  This is working out pretty good so far.

Guys can be too eager too.  I thought it was just girls who read into things too much and invent a future before anything has really happened.  Cousin Poppy and I call it "crazytalk" (always one word, trademark pending).

No bae, after 4 dates I don't really want to talk about being in an exclusive relationship.  We've been on 2 lunch dates during the week, 1 after work dinner date and 1 weekend date.  And then you were gone on a business trip for two weeks.  What makes him think he even deserves my exclusivity??  Sheesh. I'm a fucking catch!  Some nerve thinking he can have me all to himself after some expensive sushi dinner and a walk at the beach?  Mon dieu.

No bae, I never thought it was a good idea for you to delete your Tinder account after meeting me.  We matched after one day of signing up!  Talk about calling it with only a pair in your hand.

No Mike, we don't really get along as well as you think we do.  It only seems like I'm interested and listening intently as you bitch about your finance job and rave about your love of our hometown hockey team.  But I actually don't give a shit, I'm just waiting for you to shut up and ask me something so I can talk.

And yes Mike, I already told you that I was dating other guys.  I openly told you about sleeping with someone else as a courtesy and safety about my sexual activity. Don't then assume when I don't want to go out it's because I'm busy banging Mike #2 (next post, stay tuned!) like you passive-aggressively insinuate.  Keep it up and you'll be Mike Who?

And to be really shallow and blunt, I hate the tattoo of your kid's name emblazoned on your chest.  I guess it shows you're a great dad, but I don't like staring at it when we do it.  So keep your shirt on, thanks.
Oh and all this talk about "Dad bods" being a new hot thing, yeah I might be into it if you're Leo DiCaprio licking Cristal off me on a yatch to Ibiza; but a rented apartment and some $10 wine isn't quite the same.

Sorry bae, it's not you, it's me.

Dear Tinder Diary:  Grown ass men have their own set of flaws and it's harder to forgive because you'd think they learned a fucking thing or two about relationships and dating.  C'est dommage.  Now I know how guys feel when girls get all crazytalk on their asses.

Pippa et moi

Like two single, fabulous, I can't even, hilarious, fantastic peas in a pod.  That is Pippa et moi.
We met years ago back in uni through the guy I was dating.  Soon enough my relationship ended with Whatshisname, but I got custody of the coolest girl in the world.  We've been causing serious trouble ever since.

We drink too much and eat too many carbs. We drunk pinky-swore that we have to go out on random nights so that we can start meeting boys.  Apparently they don't just show up at the apartment when we're having pizza and watching tv together.  Duh.
"Let's start getting into soccer and hockey.  Bars with games on will have boys there."  Pippa is the smart one.  She's a Virgo.
She is always right, talking about guys we want to meet in my apartment would not make them magically appear.  We had to put on real clothes, close the Tinder app and go outside!

Shit.  Soccer season doesn't start for months.  There are no hockey games on right now.  It's Monday night.  Okay let's just go out anyway, after we finish the wine and pizza.

Turns out it's more fun on nights when there is no game on and cute bartenders are not busy pouring drinks and would rather chat with cute girls like us! 

"Focus!"   Pippa scolded.  Did I mention she's a teacher?
"Grown ass women like us should not be wasting our time flirting with 25 and 28 year old bartenders who are only being nice because we are their only customers!"
"Our energy should be on grown ass men who sit on the same side of the bar as we do!"

Damn her for being the voice of reason.  But she did have a good point.  There were some interesting men on our side of the bar that night, and the bartenders are the perfect conduit for starting up group conversations.  We had some great fun that night, and I even got a number.  I still have it posted on my fridge as a reminder that I still got it at a time when I thought I had lost "it" forever. 

This was turning out to be a great idea.  Pippa always has the great ideas.  I usually make the great mistakes.  It's a good match if you ask me.

xx,
mh

Billy, 38

Dear Tinder Diary:
Why do men promise things like throwing me up against a wall and doing all sorts and then don't call to meet for coffee like they said they will?

Mark, 46, recently separated, proposed such a wall throwing.  He was eager to get back in the game.  I didn't mind being part of that game.  Why the hell not.  But Mark stood me up.  Never to be heard of again.

You have a new match notification popped up when I got home from said stand-up.  (I purposely do not have the app installed on my phone.  I would never get any work done if I did. Duh.)

Billy was only in town for the night.  He was honest in telling me he was looking for a hook up.  But he wasn't having much luck.  I wasn't about to offer.  Our banter continued and he asked if I was interested in meeting up, for dinner and continued face-to-face conversation.  When one is stood up, one is very likely to agree to just about anything.

Driving to his hotel I became doubtful.  What. The. Fcuk.  It's Wednesday.  He's on a layover.  He was looking for a hook up.  Dinner and chatting is probably not really what he wants.  A wave of pathetic washed over me, I almost turned the car around.  Almost.

Dinner was fun, conversation flowed.  Billy says 'awesome' a lot.  He has a nice smile.  He's tall.  You weren't there, so you're just gonna have to take my word for it.  It wasn't what I feared.  It was getting late and I drove him back to his hotel.  I sheepishly sat in the corner of the room.  Why do hotels always put that useless weird armchair in the corner?  Doesn't everyone just end up sitting in bed to watch tv?

He came over and kissed me mid-sentence...

Not thinking I'd hear from him again (which was totally okay with me), we text almost everyday.  We met 4 months ago.
He comes to town sometimes, we've seen each other twice since that first match.  It's fun but it gets complicated...

Dear Tinder Diary:  I'm glad I got stood up.  Sometimes you need to experience that.  People have their reasons and it may have nothing to do with me.  Mark probably would have thrown his back out before throwing me up against any wall.

xx,
mh

Tony, 41

Dear Tinder Diary:
Will I get any matches?  Alex's friend Michelle has been on 30 dates, but she's 7 years my junior and probably fun and cute all the time.  Damn her.  Fine, I'll try but I can't make any promises.

I had matched with a few men very quickly.  There was some back and forth messaging, most just fizzled out, but I was not discouraged.
There was Josh, 38 that had potential.  A non-local in the city for work (there are a lot of film industry guys where I'm from) and our exchange was going quite well and frequent.  Just as we were about to finally meet in person, he stopped replying.  Shame.  I guess his wife found out, or he got deported.

Enter Tony, 41.  My first real life Tinder meet!  Truthfully, I meant to swipe left/nope but went right instead.  Rookie mistake.  He wasn't bad looking, just not my first choice, but his message banter was funny and I figured I had to start somewhere.  So I agreed to meet him.

Tony didn't look exactly like his photos anymore.  This might be Tinder but I never intended to guarantee sex on every date.  Girl has got to have SOME standards, sheesh.  I think/hope guys know that.  There was no way in hell that was going to happen, but he seemed harmless, and I already put makeup on and left the house.  It would be wasted to turn around and leave at this point.  Oh and of course, rude.

He told me his story about being kicked out of a certain religion for sleeping with a married woman when he was 19 and she was 42.  Cue for me to leave, right?  I didn't!  It was such a crazy story I couldn't just leave and not hear the rest of it.  I mean, can you even make that shit up?

It just got better from there - his move to the city was more recent than he led on.  He was living in a hostel (WTF) and had just gone for a job interview earlier but it didn't work out because there is "some issue" with his driver's license (double WTF).

When I finally got out of there, he asked me if he could see me again.  I told him when he gets an apartment and a job, maybe (my inside voice said never).

Dear Tinder Diary:
Is it okay for me to concede to a happy life alone with my herd of kittens?

xx,
mh

Rewind it to the beginning

It was January, new year, new me.  I was not going to resolve to do anything different or new.  It was just going to a be a new year of existing as far as I was concerned.  I had just recovered from minor surgery and it was hard to start anything, let alone think of men.

I was suffering from major cabin fever during recovery, so it was time to go outside.  My lone, straight, male, little brother I never wanted, friend, Alex doesn't have a 9-5, so I knew he would be up for brunch.  He's always up for brunch.
Our time together is always full of stories.  His mostly.  He used to tell me about his Vegas exploits over bacon and eggs.  I've always been entertained, indulged, never judgey.  Why would I ever?  He's single, young(er) than me, successful.  And I hate to admit it, boy got some good game.
Plus, despite all the superficiality and tales of bottle service and strippers, he's a really good guy and has always had my back.
So now that the Vegas trips have changed to wine tasting in Sonoma with his girl, I guess he's looking out for me in a different way.


"Dude you have to get out there.  Murray is a chump.  You gotta go out and bang already."
 Charming.  That actually means a lot from Alex.  (And he doesn't really talk like that, but it might as well have been edited down to these three sentences anyway.)  I knew what he meant, and he meant it from the heart.

"Oh mon dieu, I'm not ready!"
The thought of it made me cringe. I had been cooped up in my apartment for several weeks, watching far too much television, failing miserably at Candy Crush (I'm so bad at it!), and thinking too much.  I couldn't possibly inflict this person on anyone else anytime soon.  I could barely handle myself.

Where would I even begin?  Online dating of the past only got me so far, and I've been out of the game for...er...several years.  Facebook barely existed back then, does anyone remember MSN Messenger?  Apps?  Smartphones?  (And just for the record, it wasn't THAT long ago.  Quit laughing.  I'm not THAT old. Technology has just progressed very quickly okay...oh nevermind...I digress.)

"Look I set up my friend Michelle's profile on Tinder.  She's been on 30 dates so far."
Michelle's profile photo was pretty fine, I'd swipe right.  Just sayin.

Ah Tinder.  Grindr for straights.  It's cute at best.  Everyone's dirty little secret.  Is it really just for hooking up?  Is that what I want right now?  Ever?  Mon dieu, I'm still not ready.

Alex took a photo of me in the diner booth quickly before I changed my mind.  We went outside in the park and took some more photos to look like I was interesting.  He filtered the shit out of them.  I let him choose which ones he thought were good. (By the way totally different than the ones I liked, but I'm trying to impress dudes here, so I trust Alex's choices.)  I signed up, wrote one line about myself, hit save.

And so begins The Tinder Diaries.

Hope you enjoy.  And if you don't, then fuck you, I'm gonna write about them anyway.

kisses!
mh

Murray and Me

Reduced to an emoji.

This isn't to dismiss how I feel, what we went through. But some time has passed now and I feel like I can finally share.  It felt like there was a time that Murray and me could do no wrong. 2014 was full of highs and lows together. We survived our own health issues, career changes, family loss, distance; celebrated birthdays, holidays, big catches, domesticity. Things were moving forward fast and we were hanging on for dear life. We even decided to change our lives together. It felt like it was time.

He asked, I said yes.

Not long after it didn't feel right anymore. It wasn't the time. We were moving forward fast still, but veering apart. One of the hardest things to say goodbye to. My future with Murray, our lives together was not going to happen. I didn't want it. Murray didn't want it either. It wasn't the same anymore.

I don't really know what happened exactly.  All I know is that is was difficult, painful, sad, full of heartache. But this too shall pass.

Merci mes amis for sticking around. I haven't been myself for awhile. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I really know at all. But I am working on getting back to the me I once knew. And I think you'll like her again.  She's got some pretty funny stories. And she really can't make this shit up. (And I'll stop referring to myself in the third person.)

xo
mh