Rewind it to the beginning

It was January, new year, new me.  I was not going to resolve to do anything different or new.  It was just going to a be a new year of existing as far as I was concerned.  I had just recovered from minor surgery and it was hard to start anything, let alone think of men.

I was suffering from major cabin fever during recovery, so it was time to go outside.  My lone, straight, male, little brother I never wanted, friend, Alex doesn't have a 9-5, so I knew he would be up for brunch.  He's always up for brunch.
Our time together is always full of stories.  His mostly.  He used to tell me about his Vegas exploits over bacon and eggs.  I've always been entertained, indulged, never judgey.  Why would I ever?  He's single, young(er) than me, successful.  And I hate to admit it, boy got some good game.
Plus, despite all the superficiality and tales of bottle service and strippers, he's a really good guy and has always had my back.
So now that the Vegas trips have changed to wine tasting in Sonoma with his girl, I guess he's looking out for me in a different way.


"Dude you have to get out there.  Murray is a chump.  You gotta go out and bang already."
 Charming.  That actually means a lot from Alex.  (And he doesn't really talk like that, but it might as well have been edited down to these three sentences anyway.)  I knew what he meant, and he meant it from the heart.

"Oh mon dieu, I'm not ready!"
The thought of it made me cringe. I had been cooped up in my apartment for several weeks, watching far too much television, failing miserably at Candy Crush (I'm so bad at it!), and thinking too much.  I couldn't possibly inflict this person on anyone else anytime soon.  I could barely handle myself.

Where would I even begin?  Online dating of the past only got me so far, and I've been out of the game for...er...several years.  Facebook barely existed back then, does anyone remember MSN Messenger?  Apps?  Smartphones?  (And just for the record, it wasn't THAT long ago.  Quit laughing.  I'm not THAT old. Technology has just progressed very quickly okay...oh nevermind...I digress.)

"Look I set up my friend Michelle's profile on Tinder.  She's been on 30 dates so far."
Michelle's profile photo was pretty fine, I'd swipe right.  Just sayin.

Ah Tinder.  Grindr for straights.  It's cute at best.  Everyone's dirty little secret.  Is it really just for hooking up?  Is that what I want right now?  Ever?  Mon dieu, I'm still not ready.

Alex took a photo of me in the diner booth quickly before I changed my mind.  We went outside in the park and took some more photos to look like I was interesting.  He filtered the shit out of them.  I let him choose which ones he thought were good. (By the way totally different than the ones I liked, but I'm trying to impress dudes here, so I trust Alex's choices.)  I signed up, wrote one line about myself, hit save.

And so begins The Tinder Diaries.

Hope you enjoy.  And if you don't, then fuck you, I'm gonna write about them anyway.

kisses!
mh

Murray and Me

Reduced to an emoji.

This isn't to dismiss how I feel, what we went through. But some time has passed now and I feel like I can finally share.  It felt like there was a time that Murray and me could do no wrong. 2014 was full of highs and lows together. We survived our own health issues, career changes, family loss, distance; celebrated birthdays, holidays, big catches, domesticity. Things were moving forward fast and we were hanging on for dear life. We even decided to change our lives together. It felt like it was time.

He asked, I said yes.

Not long after it didn't feel right anymore. It wasn't the time. We were moving forward fast still, but veering apart. One of the hardest things to say goodbye to. My future with Murray, our lives together was not going to happen. I didn't want it. Murray didn't want it either. It wasn't the same anymore.

I don't really know what happened exactly.  All I know is that is was difficult, painful, sad, full of heartache. But this too shall pass.

Merci mes amis for sticking around. I haven't been myself for awhile. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I really know at all. But I am working on getting back to the me I once knew. And I think you'll like her again.  She's got some pretty funny stories. And she really can't make this shit up. (And I'll stop referring to myself in the third person.)

xo
mh

Welcome 2015!

My darling friends I have been terribly neglectful of you in 2014, haven't I?
I do hope you'll forgive me. It has been quite a year of adventures, but I am afraid it was not the kind worth sharing. C'est dommage.

But I promise that 2015 will bring many new exciting adventures that I do wish to share avec mes amies. I have missed you so and hope that you haven't forgotten me and will continue to share this journey avec moi!

Allow me to start with a salut to the new year, wishing everyone a healthy, joyful and peaceful 2015!!

xx
mh

David Chang, will you marry me?

The title says it all.  I wish to be David Chang's wife.  I would honor and cherish him for the rest of my days, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer even though I've never met the guy and probably never will, he could be already married, or play for the other team...


I only first knew about him watching Anthony Bourdain No Reservations.  I admit to late arriving on the Bourdain train and knew very little until recently.  Now I'm hooked.  Then I discovered Mind of a Chef on PBS.  Again, only by accident as it was released last year.  The show makes me love him more.  And this girl cannot resist those dimples AND he can cook?  C'mon.  So today, I proposed to him via Twitter.  I didn't tag his account in fear of rejection and weirdness, and well, because that would just be crazy.  #dimples #momofuku #hotchef

IKEA | The Relationship Litmus Test

J’adore vous but I don’t care what you think.  I like IKEA.  The design aesthetic is there and the prices make me happy.  What I do find unhappy about IKEA sometimes is the shopping experience.  Not so much for myself as I’ve been there enough times to know how to navigate it and have the self service thing pretty much figured out.

I started to notice others having a hard time with the whole experience.  Particularly couples.  And since I’m a professional anthropologist, I theorize that IKEA is a relationship litmus test. (Look for the full-length version, to be published in the School of Useless Opinions Journal.)

My theory is that if you can survive a buying trip there, you can pretty much survive any major event in your coupled life:

·        You will discover who is the true Organizer.  This person is good at visualizing the stuff in your house and knowing what to buy in the first place.

·        You will discover if you are both Team Players.  If together you can navigate shifting 200lbs of MDF in a 9 foot long box onto a 3 foot long rolling cart without losing a toe or a husband, you’re golden.

·        You will discover who is the true Planner.  This person may differ from the Organizer or may be the same person.  Either way, they will be the one who successfully takes charge of researching the catalogue, going online, measuring first, making a list, recording what bin and aisle to pick up from when you’re at the store, finding the bin and aisle when you finally go buy everything, etc.

·        You will discover who is the Nurturer.  The first one to suggest that it’s time for a $1 hot dog and ice cream will take care of you forever.

The second part of my thesis will focus on what happens after you get home and have to put the shit together!  In the meantime, happy shopping.

kisses,

mh

                                                   

http://www.ikea.com/us/en/

Girl Crush Sandwich

Poppy and I were just discussing how happy we were that regular television programs are on hiatus.  I was just telling her that I was thrilled I could spend more time with Murray now that cablevision will be less busy!  (Don't tell him I have a PVR.)
As you may know, So You Think You Can Dance is my summer guilty pleasure.  And I know I turned my back on my darling Cat Deeley once I discovered how uber cute Ms. Zooey Deschanel was.  I was torn, and I felt like a terrible cheat.  But I got over it.  Because tonight I had both of them!!  Sort of, oh you know what I mean!

Tonight's SYTYCD episode revealed the Top 20 Dancers that will compete in the show.  And who was their extra special guest judge?  ZOOEY DESCHANEL.  I gasped.  Cat AND Zooey on the same screen? For TWO hours?  It was a formidable cutie girl crush sandwich!  Oh and the dancers were spectacular too.

I think it just fulfilled my fantasy girl crush, girl-on-girl fantasy, fantasy.  Oh you know what I mean!
And thanks to my PVR I can watch the East and West Coast feeds and then watch it live again!  Second helping of girl crush sandwich please.  Oh you know what I mean.

Hooray for Fox Television!  Happy Summer TV mes amies!

kisses,
mh

Aloha Dinner!!

To round off the Hawaiian food porn tour, may I present the final chapter: Le dîner est servi!!

Our first night in Honolulu was late and choices were limited. We made a b-line to the nearest ABC Store and inhaled the first of many macadamia nut snack packs.
Eventually we were lured into one of the dirty little secrets of Waikiki - Late night McDonald's!
I hesitate to mention our whole order (er, 20 piece nuggets for $4.99, how could I say no despite all the warnings about its contents), but the best part was saimin:

A pretty tasty bowl of noodles at midnight if you ask me.

Now we liked the Cheeseburger place so much we returned for dinner:
ROYAL ALI’I CHEESEBURGER™ (say it with me...AH-LEE-EE)-that's what is says on the menu. Sold!

I made Murray order onion rings with his burger so we could share. I think there was a theme on our trip. Making him order something different so I could have some!! Tee hee. Oh of course I shared with him too...

Another late night and we found no choice but the enormous and ever-popular Cheesecake Factory. Funny I've been a few times, but never had room for cheesecake. Why? Because everything here is gigantic! We ordered side salads and thought they gave us entree size. No, the massive portion WAS the side size! And the buffalo blasts (chicken, cheese and buffalo sauce all stuffed in a spiced wrapper and deep fried!) in all their giant glory were tasty and more than plenty for two. The photos do not do their size justice:

We bid our final adieu with one more burger joint - Teddy's Bigger Burgers.
It's fast food but the staff were super nice and patient (there were too many choices to customize your burgers with). Too be honest it was all a blur and I don't even remember what we ordered!

But I made Murray get fries, so I could order the onion rings.

Mahalo mes amies, I hope you enjoyed the Honolulu Food Porn Tour!

kisses,
mh

Aloha Lunch!!

Is it lunchtime yet? It is now!

Chapter Two: Déjeuner

This used to be a Jack in the Box - Marukame Udon

We stumbled upon this around lunchtime and decided to give it try. Pick your own noodles, pick your own side dishes of fried goodness. Total bill less and $25USD and super filling and yummy. Beats Jack in the Box hands down.

Hi, I'm Dan and I'll be your server today - Lulu's Waikiki

Dan was a handsome ex-Navy guy who was stationed in Honolulu and never went back to Portland. Who can blame him? Keep talking Dan, you're so dreamy with your Buddy Holly glasses and tats, studying to get your Masters degree in biophysics or whatever the hell it was you're majoring in. Murray always says I'm not friendly enough. He wasn't too pleased. I think he ordered the Angry Hog as a subconscious reaction to my friendliness with Dan.

Oh and I got the mahi sandwich thanks Dan for the suggestion...

Food truck! - at Giovanni's Shrimp Truck

We only made it to this one food truck. I really wanted to show Murray the greatness that was the Blue Water Shrimp and Seafood truck but we were sad to find out it had just closed and only had a stall in the International Marketplace. Meh, just not the same. But this garlic shrimp scampi with our side of lemon butter shrimp comes a close second.

Mmm. I'm getting hungry again. Dinner tomorrow, mes amies!

kisses,
mh

Aloha Breakfasts!!

J'adore Hawaii. Honolulu to be specific. All the comforts of North America with the smell of fresh ocean air, the perfume of tropical flowers and the touch of warm sunny weather that a girl stuck in the cold half the year oh-so desires. And food to die for! Murray and I didn't even get to all of it in time, but I think we significantly damaged our arteries and fed our souls with ooey gooey food love.

I've decided to show you all the food porn glory in 3 post. So let's begin, mes amies:

Chapter One: Petits Déjeuners

Mmm cheeseburgers - at where else? Cheeseburger Restaurants!

But of course not for breakfast! It was early, it was our first day in Honolulu, we just picked this one because Murray thought it looked friendly. And friendly they were! My "traditional" Hawaiian breakfast of eggs, rice, Portuguese sausage, and Hawaiian sweet bread. It's apparently customary to drink pineapple mimosas too (not pictured er, because I emptied it before the food arrived).

Hmm maybe some pancakes or French toast? - at Keoni by Keo's Restaurant

Or we can share. I made Murray order the pancakes so I could share my French toast with him. That's not ice cream on the side of my toast, it's butter! Hey who can complain when the bill totaled $17USD.
(Mes amies, I tried the resto's own link but my anti-virus forbade it, so be careful!)

Sushi for breakfast? - at any ABC Store

It's 5:45AM and we are waiting for the shuttle bus to take us snorkeling. Spam musubi and $0.99 coffees were the order of the day. And just enough for a long day of turtle watching! If you think the idea is gross, it is, but they are actually quite tasty. We splurged and got another version with tamago (egg) and it was just as yummy!

Road trip! But first a malasada or 12 - at Leonard's Bakery

Before we left for a day on the North Shore, we drove to Leonard's for malasadas. Not knowing exactly what they were, we read they were "puffs". At the bakery, the malasadas are made to order so you don't see what they look like in the counter displays. So we ordered a dozen thinking they were bite-sized. Boy were we wrong!

They were as big as my face! And we ate 6 in the parking lot. Light as air and not really like a donut - so much better. Okay we probably made a big mistake by ordering so many, but it was worth it.

That's all for brekky, stay tuned for lunch tomorow!

kisses,
mh

Commitment-phobe

Mes amies, I found a size-5 twin at my new office. Her name is Noodle and she's uber cute and has tiny feet like moi!

We haven't known each other for very long but I feel as though our shoe size twin connection has somehow made us closer, quicker. (Maybe because we secretly know that we better keep our enemies close when there's a massive shoe sale that we'll sneak off to together during lunch and we end up eyeing the same pair! I digress.)

The other day Noodle told me that she had a salon appointment and she was going to get bangs. Very exciting if you ask me - bangs are hot. Look at Hannah Simone from New Girl. She's pretty sexy if you ask me. It's like hot bangs action on that show - Hannah and Zooey Deschanel, I'm jealous.

All the girls in the office were stoked to see her new bangs and as I guessed they are totally hot. But today there was something different about Noodle. She's tossed her bangs to the side and says she's over it and is growing them out! Qu'est que c'est?! Je ne comprends pas!

But then I realized something else Noodle and I have in common - commitment issues.

Noodle, mon petite chou, I still think your bangs are hot, even if you don't.

kisses,
mh