New Year's Confession

Happy New Year mes amies! Best wishes for a very exciting and fabulous 2012. I prefer confessions to resolutions. Let’s face it, they are more fun and can’t be broken. So here we go, let’s start off the year with my dirty little secret:

Murray and I met over the internet in the secret seedy world of online dating sites. *gasp* I know! It was 2006 and I was unemployed and single. Damned funny and no place to go. So why not online dating?! It was perfect since it can be very time consuming being fabulous all the time!

So my dear ladies, here are My Top 10 Online Dating Website tips: Filter out the toads to find your Prince or not and just have fun with it!

1. Don’t be fooled by sites that you have to pay to use. Pay sites do not guarantee better quality or better caliber men. Creeps have money too. Case in point, I met Murray on one of those free websites. My guy roommate at the time, mocked me relentlessly for being cheap all the while he was using a pay site. He wasn't really a creep per se, but I used to message girls for him! They loved him/me!! He still remains single and looking, bless.

2. All men are interested in an “Intimate Encounter” just as much as a meaningful relationship. So don’t be fooled by the dudes looking for “Long Term” relationships. They all want booty and if you’re willing to give it, then all power to ya, but don’t expect a ring on your finger the next day.

3. For those boys that list “Hang Out” – NEXT! Please, if you don’t even have enough balls to pick “Intimate Encounter”…don’t waste time on someone with commitment issues.

4. Height - I found men lie about their height like women will lie about their weight. If a man is genuinely 6’0” and taller, they are honest. If they are not, it’s always off by 2 inches. Interesting non, what else are they exaggerating by 2 inches…HMMMM???

5. Profile pictures – Here are just a few red flags:
• Ball caps and sunglasses = balding and hiding something.
• Bathroom mirror poses with camera in the photo = douchebag that never gets laid and doesn’t want to tell anyone he’s doing this.
• Bathroom mirror poses with no shirt on and camera in the photo = bigger douchebag that is a bad lay and doesn’t want to tell anyone he’s doing this.
• Photos taken on webcam = a) too lazy to get up, get the camera and upload the damn picture, b) no friends and/or social life to have an existing collection of photos to indicate his ability to retain friendship or interact successfully in social situations, c) all of the above.
• Photos with many other guys, and no singular photos of themselves = fucking stupid. How am I supposed to know which one you are, dumbass?

6. Never email or message someone first! Always let them come to you. Yes, call me old fashioned. A gentleman always calls on the lady.

7. Be weary of being trolled. Some men will literally send messages to everyone, using a stupid “intro” email (ex/ “Your pretty cute and your profile looks really intresting. I’d love to chat more to find out more about you.”), then cut and paste it hoping for a “bite”. If he doesn’t have enough time to write a proper, personalized email, then don’t even bother responding. Doesn’t matter how much he loves Indian food and traveling like you do, it’s all gonna be lies, lies I tell you! And did you notice the example?? Which leads to the next tip:

8. Spelling and grammatical errors. At least pay attention to the red squiggly line under the misspelling, dude. Not only did you get trolled but it’s not even correct!! The horror! NEXT!

9. Listing hobby/interests that are not really hobby/interests but it’s their way of trying to be clever and witty. If a man’s interest is beer and bongs, then you probably shouldn’t be all that intrigued. The danger there is, it could genuinely be his interests and that’s just plain sad.

10. Not stating their job or career. You’ll see things like “if you want to know, just ask”. Why don’t you stop being passive-aggressive and tell me you’re a plumber. No shame in that idiot, trades are great! Be a proud plumber! You so missed your chance with me, NEXT!

And in all fairness your own profile and photos should be a proper reflection of you without red flags of your own. Remember men are pigs and they like boobies and ass. If you post a bikini picture because you are trying to convey yourself as a world traveler that prefers sunny locales, think again. And for the love of all that is good and pure, don’t post a photos of yourself at your skinniest. Much like boys lying about their height, they’re gonna figure it out when you meet in person. And if you are unemployed like I was, you can either be clever and try to get away with stating your occupation as “Independently Wealthy” or just post what your job was before you quit or got fired. You can choose to disclose the real story when you meet.

Okay now that you’ve spent a few weeks looking around online and maybe you’ve made a couple of email/messaging connections, you can decide whether they are worth meeting in person. At first I was very picky and only wanted to meet men that were perfect on paper, had great photos, and emailed/messaged well. After a while, it was pretty much one email and let’s meet! Court me in person, emailing is just the planning part.

I suggest something non-serious, non-pretentious and somewhere halfway in distance between the both of you that you will get to on your own. Remember, we still have not determined if he’s an axe murderer/serial rapist/stalker. Last thing you want to do is be careless and let him know where you live and how much Gucci you own!
My bff and I worked a buddy system - date, time, location, what we were going to wear (not just for wardrobe approval, but as “last seen” info for the authorities!) and since we used the same site, we’d even send each other their profile info. Hey, you never know!

Within the first few minutes of a date, I’d tell the guy that I’m expecting a check-in text and I was going to answer. I found that all my dates respected that I was cautious but not crazy, and they agreed it was a good idea to be safe. So I highly recommend telling someone else that you are online dating and have them help you. It’s great moral support too without appearing too needy and pathetic about meeting new people.

Oh and always offer to pay for your share at the end of the date – and I mean pull out your wallet and try to insist at least once. Almost every time, my date paid, but it was a good way to see if they wanted to see you again, because you can graciously put your wallet away and say the next one is on me.

Online dating has its ups and downs. One moment you are super popular and feel attractive, interesting, happy. Then you can feel down and pathetic because all you get are messages from creeps wanting to do inappropriate things or inviting you to join him and his wife! (I suppose that’s only depressing if you’re not into that kind of thing, otherwise, good for you!)

If all else fails and you find it’s not your thing, you will have some fabu stories about the time you went out on a date with Harry Potter’s fat brother that was a strip club DJ, or Firefighter guy that lied about wanting a Long Term relationship and was really looking for Intimate Encounters and was a bad lay, or Sweatshirt guy who didn’t even bother to wash his face when he met you for coffee, or I’m in a Band guy who you meet 1 year later at your new job and just never talk about how you went on a date once, or Insurance Adjuster guy who called 2 years later and thought you were someone else, or the Outdoorsy guy you almost didn’t go out with because he stood you up the first time but you gave him a second chance and the date was an epic 8 hours that still doesn’t seem to end. None of those things happened to me though, I’ve just heard stories...all the best to you, mes belle filles and have fun!!

kisses,
mh