Mike #1, 41

Dear Tinder Diary:  I met a pretty cool guy.  Those blue eyes.  He's a grown ass man!  Works in finance, can afford to travel, eat well, act responsible but knows to have fun...  Pippa approves.  He's divorced and has a child though.  I never thought I would be into guys with previous lives like this.  But you know, maybe it's better because he's learned something.  He's had a proper adult life at least once already.  This is working out pretty good so far.

Guys can be too eager too.  I thought it was just girls who read into things too much and invent a future before anything has really happened.  Cousin Poppy and I call it "crazytalk" (always one word, trademark pending).

No bae, after 4 dates I don't really want to talk about being in an exclusive relationship.  We've been on 2 lunch dates during the week, 1 after work dinner date and 1 weekend date.  And then you were gone on a business trip for two weeks.  What makes him think he even deserves my exclusivity??  Sheesh. I'm a fucking catch!  Some nerve thinking he can have me all to himself after some expensive sushi dinner and a walk at the beach?  Mon dieu.

No bae, I never thought it was a good idea for you to delete your Tinder account after meeting me.  We matched after one day of signing up!  Talk about calling it with only a pair in your hand.

No Mike, we don't really get along as well as you think we do.  It only seems like I'm interested and listening intently as you bitch about your finance job and rave about your love of our hometown hockey team.  But I actually don't give a shit, I'm just waiting for you to shut up and ask me something so I can talk.

And yes Mike, I already told you that I was dating other guys.  I openly told you about sleeping with someone else as a courtesy and safety about my sexual activity. Don't then assume when I don't want to go out it's because I'm busy banging Mike #2 (next post, stay tuned!) like you passive-aggressively insinuate.  Keep it up and you'll be Mike Who?

And to be really shallow and blunt, I hate the tattoo of your kid's name emblazoned on your chest.  I guess it shows you're a great dad, but I don't like staring at it when we do it.  So keep your shirt on, thanks.
Oh and all this talk about "Dad bods" being a new hot thing, yeah I might be into it if you're Leo DiCaprio licking Cristal off me on a yatch to Ibiza; but a rented apartment and some $10 wine isn't quite the same.

Sorry bae, it's not you, it's me.

Dear Tinder Diary:  Grown ass men have their own set of flaws and it's harder to forgive because you'd think they learned a fucking thing or two about relationships and dating.  C'est dommage.  Now I know how guys feel when girls get all crazytalk on their asses.